New Student Catches Cold, Not Sure What They Did To Deserve It

Clark guessed that a “foggy head” has been preventing her from figuring out whose dog she ran over to deserve to feel this ill.

WESTWOOD — Complaining about a constant runny nose and high body temperature, freshman Jenny Clark is in complete disbelief about the reasons for the sickness that has befallen her. “I call my mom twice a week, I shower, I jog, I brush my teeth, I floss. If there is something that I have not done that is causing this, someone please tell me. Write it on the walls so that I can see. I’ll do anything. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry,” said Clark. Though a multitude of doctors from around Los Angeles reassured Clark that sickness was part of a natural body cycle, Clark still could not be consoled. “You get what you deserve. That’s what my father told me, and that’s what I tell my poorer friends, and my stupider friends. And if that’s true, I must have killed someone in a past life. Or opened up a random person’s gate so their dog could run away. Or I was a dog, and I ran away. It must’ve been something terrible– and I’m sorry now– and now I’m reaping the consequences of my own misconduct and I hate myself for it,” said Clark. Doctors speculate that Clark will be feeling better in three or four days, but that her ensuing quest for moral redemption may take much longer.