40,000 Students and Not One of Them Has Found the Goose That Lays the Golden Eggs
Dear Students, As we begin the new quarter, it is important that we do not lose sight of what binds all Bruins together: our common […]
Local Voter Somehow Still Undecided
LOS ANGELES — Local keysmith and registered voter Adam Wells has still not decided which candidate he will support for President of the United States […]
Op-Ed: I’ve Been Treated Very Unfairly, More Unfairly Than Anyone
I’m sure by now you’ve all come to the conclusion I have, that the debate was a sham. Cheap Shot Lester Holt is a […]
Move Over, Houdini! This Guy Escaped From A Prison Cell Using Nothing But White Privilege
Have you ever wondered how magicians like Harry Houdini and Dorothy Dietrich pulled off their famous escape stunts? They must have had a spare key […]
President Reagan Hologram Booked To Perform At Republican National Convention
WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference held at the Republican National Committee headquarters earlier today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus jubilantly announced that he had […]
Absentee Fathers Commend United Kingdom On Leaving European Union
LONDON—Upon learning that the United Kingdom would officially be leaving the European Union, absentee fathers everywhere have been announcing their unconditional support for “Brexit.” “Anyone […]
Christ Returns, Forgot Some Stuff In Capernaum
ISRAEL—Jesus Christ, the inspiration for the Christian faith, will take the next couple of days to collect a pair of sheepskin moccasins and a favorite […]
Last Couple Still Together From High School Finally Breaks Up
WESTWOOD—Sources confirmed Friday that the last remaining long distance relationship that began in high school between Amber Rogers and David Sowers has finally come to […]
How To Vote In The California Primaries
Voting season got your panties in a bunch? Never fear, The Westwood Enabler is here. Here are our top tips to make sure your vote matters. […]
Philosophy Student Would Descend Into Nihilistic Hedonism If He Could Get Laid
WESTWOOD—Admitting that he’s drawn to the idea of living a life of lust-filled gratification in an entropic universe with no intrinsic meaning, Philosophy major Anthony […]