My Sons, Ranked
1. Lonzo Lonzo’s the biggest baller out there. He’s inherited my amazing basketball skills, and is going to win MVP every year he’s in the […]
Frustrated Driver In Parking Lot Wishes He Was Handicapped
WESTWOOD — Local driver Mike Thompson found himself wishing he was handicapped when he couldn’t find a space in the Saxon suites parking lot yesterday. […]
Harvey Weinstein Running For President
LOS ANGELES — Amid a flurry of sexual assault allegations, former producer Harvey Weinstein has announced he is running for president. “No one in the […]
All Our Good Guys With Guns Pretty Busy Last Night, NRA Says
LAS VEGAS, NV — After the deadliest mass shooting in American history occurred during a concert in Las Vegas, the NRA has reported that all […]
BREAKING: Katie Dropped From Theta
WESTWOOD — In an upset some are calling “once in a lifetime,” sources report that first-year Communications student Katie Moore has been dropped from Kappa […]
CEC Pledges To Figure Out How To Properly Distribute Tickets By 2020
WESTWOOD — In a statement released by the UCLA Campus Events Commission (CEC), the office’s Commissioner recognized the failure of the organization to properly distribute […]
Trump Accidentally Fires Self 200 Days In
WASHINTON, DC — Donald Trump, current President of the United States, accidentally fired himself on Monday, 200 days into his term, sources say. “In the […]
Student Gives Series Of Lap Dances While Climbing To Seat In Lecture Hall
WESTWOOD—Straddling dozens of students while shimmying his way through the lecture hall’s middle aisle, third year anthropology major Deven McFarlene gave a series of lap […]
TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students
WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be a woman in STEM these […]