Five Valentine’s Day Gifts That Say “I’ll Never Love You Quite Like I Loved Amy”
We’ve all been there–you want to get the perfect gift for your girlfriend to tell her exactly how you feel about her, but you’re just […]
Bruin Republicans Book Logan Paul
WESTWOOD — Bruin Republicans at UCLA announced today that they have partnered with conservative student group Turning Point USA to host disgraced YouTube personality Logan […]
Report: Professor Takes Plagiarism Very Seriously
WESTWOOD — Sources from within Dr. Peter Roebling’s course on political polarization report that the tenured professor took a bold stance on academic integrity in […]
Op-Ed: It’s Only Okay to Use Science to Alter God’s Plan If It Involves a Pill That Gives Me an Erection
God has made a plan for all of us. We should not attempt to alter that plan with so-called science, unless, of course, that science […]
God’s Divine Plan Involves Pre-Marital Sex with Dylan from Calculus
HEAVEN — God’s divine plan for high school junior Emma Parsons involved a spiritual awakening in the form of pre-marital sex with Dylan from calculus. […]
CAPS Going to Need You to Postpone Mental Breakdown Until Two Months from Now
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced in an official press release that it is going to need all students to postpone their […]
Minotaur Found Deep Within Recesses Of MathSci-Boelter
MOUNT WESTWOOD — Alas, my friends, that day the quest was dark, For on such a mission I embark, I had seen Scylla and Charybdis, […]
Op-Ed: “Can I Go Back To The Wild Yet?”
Friends, I am experiencing a full-blown identity crisis. I have been serving the UCLA community for the last ten years. I did not do it […]
Report: You Probably Won’t Finish That Paper Early
WESTWOOD — After much deliberation, sources close to you recently reported that, no, you probably won’t finish that paper early. “I know you’re going away […]
Man Six Beers In Just Taking The Edge Off
WESTWOOD — Area man Joseph Park has consumed six beers in an attempt to take the edge off after a long day. “Yeah, like, I […]