Five Valentine’s Day Gifts That Say “I’ll Never Love You Quite Like I Loved Amy”

Valentines Day Background Valentine Valentines Day

We’ve all been there–you want to get the perfect gift for your girlfriend to tell her exactly how you feel about her, but you’re just not sure how. Well, look no further. Here are our top five Valentine’s Day gifts that will tell that special lady in your life, “I love you, but I’ll never love you quite like I loved Amy.”

1. That gift set of Bath and Body Works stuff you found in your mom’s bathroom

Nothing says “You’re special to me, but you just don’t really get me the way my ex-girlfriend Amy did” like a colorful assortment of Sweet-Pea-scented lotions and potions!

2. An impersonal but cute coffee mug

Why spend hours looking for a mug that references an inside joke you have with your girlfriend if you two don’t have any inside jokes? If you were shopping for Amy, you could make her one that says “Don’t Drop Me!” (Remember that time she dropped her tea and you two spent all day together laughing and sweeping up your kitchen floor?). It’s not your fault you and your new girlfriend don’t have jokes like that, you’ve only been dating for a year and half.

3. That book your dad gave you that you never read

Amy loved to read. You two would read before bed, remember? God, she was so cute with her little reading glasses. Your new girlfriend likes to read, right? Probably. It doesn’t matter what the book is about, your dad picked it out for you so he must have thought it’d be pretty good. Slap a pink bow on that thing and call it a day!

4. A heart-shaped balloon

Nothing says “forever” like a helium balloon. It’s not like you’re going to marry this girl. In fact, you were kind of assuming that Amy will one day realize her mistake and come back to you. Her facebook says she’s married with a baby on the way, but nothing ever stood in the way of true love!

5. A coupon for one free back massage

She probably won’t ever even cash it in! Besides, if she does, that means your girlfriend will be turned away from you while you rub her back, and you can pretend she’s Amy! They have the same height, build, skin tone, and hair color anyway. Plus, she’s been wearing that perfume that you bought her–the same one Amy used to wear. It’ll be easy! You’re a Valentine’s Day pro.

About Kylie Kinne 15 Articles
Kylie Kinne is a fourth-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.