Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]
Quarantine
Respondus LockDown Browser Thinks You Should Smile More
CYBERSPACE — As you attempted to begin your Monday morning midterm, the anti-cheating application Respondus LockDown Browser™ released a statement suggesting that you would look […]
Breakout Room Enters Day Three Of Awkward Silence
WESTWOOD — Tension is running high this morning as an Introduction to Communications discussion entered its third straight day of awkward silence. “This disaster began […]
Respondus Reveals New LockDown Sniper
REDMOND, WA — Earlier today, Respondus, the software company known for its controversial LockDown Browser, revealed their latest product: the all-new Respondus LockDown Sniper™. “Respondus […]
Tough Professor Considers 90% Efficacy of COVID Vaccine a B+
WESTWOOD — Dr. Andrew Krossco took a bold stance against grade inflation on Monday when he reiterated his rule that the vaccine effectiveness cutoff for […]
Op-Ed: As A Student Athlete, I Only Break Quarantine To Slap My Friend’s Ass
I am a proud member of the UCLA basketball team, and I respect that COVID-19 is a serious threat to the community. I would never […]
Newsom Adds Tinder Hookups To Phase Two Of Reopening
SACRAMENTO, CA — In today’s daily coronavirus briefing about reopening California, Governor Gavin Newsom announced that Phase Two, which involves the reopening of businesses such […]
CDC Warns Of Rapid Influx In New Podcasts Over Coming Weeks
ATLANTA — In light of increased isolation measures, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement warning Americans to expect a spike […]
Trump Administration Announces New Hammer-Based Healthcare Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
Op-Ed: I Definitely Love My Husband
The first thing that I want to make unequivocally clear is that I have never in my life not loved my husband. I love the […]