Special Snowflake Doesn’t Like Pizza
WESTWOOD—Sources report that local special snowflake, Andrew Robinson, dislikes pizza. “Andrew is so unique,” Amir Ashraf, a friend of Robinson’s, said this morning. “He just […]
News in Briefs
Report: Small Joys Not As Good As Bigger, Better Joys
WESTWOOD—A recent report released by the UCLA Research Institute revealed that small joys are just not as good as bigger, better joys. “To give you […]
Cool Professor Wears Tie-Dye Shirt
WESTWOOD—Physics professor Alexander Grobin walked into class today wearing a tie-dye shirt, instantly cementing his status as the cool professor. “Grobin is just the coolest,” […]
Antarctic Ice Cap Not Melting, Just Thinning
ANTARCTICA—Antarctica’s normally thick ice cap has been looking patchy lately, but the continent is sure that this receding ice line is not a sign of […]
Former Study Partner Returns To Unacknowledged Passerby Status
WESTWOOD—Freshman James Beckstead noted he saw a figure approaching that very closely resembled his CHEM 14A study partner from the fall quarter, but as their […]
Sleeping Classmate’s Nose Almost Touches Chest
WESTWOOD—Fourth-year Economics major Judy Caplin reported that her sleeping classmate’s nose had almost touched his chest during a philosophy lecture early Tuesday morning. “He was […]
Student Hustles Cool Thousand From De Neve Pool Table
WESTWOOD—Lighting up a cigarette and chalking off the tip of his cue with a flourish, self-described “alternative student” Justin Hernandez hustled a cool thousand at […]
Prospective Student Waits For Dad To Stop Eye-Banging Cheerleaders At Bruin Transfer Day
WESTWOOD–Visiting from out of state and touring the campus on Bruin Transfer Day, prospective student John McDermot reportedly spent much of his time at UCLA […]
Despondent Bruin Republicans Plan Inflammatory Events Just To Feel Something, Anything
WESTWOOD—Bitter and desensitized by the current state of the GOP, a group of disillusioned Bruin Republicans gathered in Haines today where they pitched a series […]
Report: Area Man Has Time To Get Sick
LOS ANGELES—After delaying the onset of a cold for the past month, area man Jeff Martin announced that he is now ready to fight the […]