Teen Disappointed Safe Space Lacks Wifi
WESTWOOD—Although thankful she has a space to comfortably feel free of hostilities, third-year gender studies major Charlotte Smith expressed concerns over the lack of reliable […]
News in Briefs
Santa Delivers Coal To Rust Belt, Stimulating Economy
Johnstown, PA–In the early hours of Christmas morning, Santa Claus helped president-elect Donald J. Trump deliver on his campaign promise to reinvigorate the rust belt’s […]
God Confused About Fidel Castro Death Reaction
THE HEAVENS— After scrolling through Facebook over the weekend, God expressed genuine confusion regarding humanity’s reaction to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro’s death. “I thought we […]
Woman Brings Up Her Sex Life To Avoid Discussing Politics At Thanksgiving Dinner
MILWAUKEE, WI—Cutting off her father as he started to praise the new President-elect, Amy Richardson began a detailed discussion of her sex life. “Hey Dad, […]
Local Hipster Personally A Fan Of Macaulay Culkin’s Later Works
WESTWOOD–After watching an airing of Home Alone on primetime cable, local hipster Samuel Stroller was reminded of his preference for Macaulay Culkin’s achievements as an […]
Selfish Asshole Asks For Money Instead Of World Peace For Birthday
WESTWOOD–Celebrating his 8th birthday this past week, narcissistic jackass Chad Brownfield neglected to consider thousands of dying individuals across the world when he wished for […]
Chick-fil-a Challenges Starbucks’ War On Christmas With “Happy Birthday Jesus” Cup
ATLANTA–Following outrage over Starbucks’ lack of Christmas imagery on its holiday cup design, Chick-fil-a announced plans to release a seasonal “Happy Birthday Jesus” cup, declaring […]
UCLA Alum Doing Nothing Particularly Special with Life
LOS ANGELES–Since graduating in 2009 with a degree in Applied Mathematics, UCLA alum Jack Hudson has been doing nothing particularly special with his life over […]
Gold In Them-Thar Hills Actually Iron Sulfide
BODIE, CA–The good dwellin’-folk of Bodie, CA, durn had a mighty hell of a shock this week when the fancy learnin’ men in town done […]
Trump Announces Plan To Create Safe Spaces For Bigots
NEW YORK, N.Y.—Citing the the cast of Hamilton and their address to Mike Pence last night, Donald Trump today announced his plan to create safe […]