Smokey The Bear Kinda Hot Now
WEST HOLLYWOOD – After a rebrand by the National Parks Service, local onlookers and passersby have been stunned by the fact that Smokey the Bear […]
Celebrities
Westwood’s Willies Go Wonka: Chlamydia Outbreak Following Timothée Chalamet Appearance
WESTWOOD — After the premiere of Timothée Chalamet’s new film Wonka, hundreds of thousands of students have flooded the Ashe Student Health Center and tested […]
Struggling Men’s Basketball Team Re-Recruits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
WESTWOOD – After UCLA Men’s basketball’s recent loss to Villanova, coach Mick Cronin has re-recruited Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in an attempt to revitalize the team. “We’re […]
Opinion: I Listened To The Daily Once, And Now I Am Omniscient
Greetings, lesser one. It is I, your neighbor in POLSCI 30, here to inform you of my recent endeavors in the political sphere. Last night, […]
New Hank Green TikTok Explains How You Will Die
MISSOULA, MT — Internet personality Hank Green put out another informative TikTok today, in which he revealed the exact time and manner of your demise. […]
Six Celebrities Who Wouldn’t Have A Career If Their Eyes Were Brown
1. Ian Somerhalder In The Vampire Diaries, Damon is the bad boy with blue eyes, and his brother Stefan is the sad boy with brown […]
Tucker Carlson Applies For Job At Daily Bruin
WESTWOOD — Emails leaked this morning revealed that Tucker Carlson has been making pleas for a permanent position at the Daily Bruin. “The woke mob […]
Timothée Chalamet Tells The Enabler Why He’s Dating Kylie Jenner
“Life is short, youth is fleeting, death comes for us all.”
Hobbes Eats Calvin
CHAGRIN FALLS, OH.— Cartoonist Bill Watterson announced today that six-year-old cartoon star Calvin has been eaten by his tiger Hobbes. “Bet you thought my anthropomorphism […]
HBO Merges With Other Streaming Services To Form MaxCockMount+
BURBANK — Following the rebrand of HBO Max to just “Max,” Warner Bros. announced today that they will also be merging with the Peacock and […]