In light of football season starting again, I needed to mentally prepare myself for another fall quarter of watching us crap the bed every single game. But when I Googled “UCLA fight song” to evoke happier memories of shoving past everyone to get on the last Rooter Bus out of the Rose Bowl, I found an article that totally shattered my, admittedly, very fragile illusion of school spirit.
Turns out that instead of half-assing trumpet noises and joining the 8-clap two claps late, the song had words that we were supposed to be singing THIS WHOLE TIME. As a real UCLA Athletics fan who only watches football and men’s basketball, I feel deeply, truly ashamed for my ignorance.
But honestly, why bother with the lyrics anyway? Have you even read them? Has anybody even read them? They sound like we asked ChatGPT to make us sound like a decent football team.
“Ready for the test / we’re the best team in the West?” Are we the #1 Public University In The Country or a pee-wee squad? Golly gee, Martin Jarmond, will we also get a free slopburger from Fat Sal’s if we have the most penalties in the league?
How are we supposed to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies if our lyrics make us sound like a school from a rejected Disney Channel Original movie? We’re not going to sweep the Big Ten; we’re practically about to break into a choreographed song and dance routine.
Well, I’ll have none of it. Listen to what a new version of the fight song would sound like if we got rid of the lyrics.
…
…
Beautiful, right?
And a quick message to all the fight song purists out there who object to this beautiful, lyric-less song: while you might find my idea to be “controversial” or whatever, shall I remind you that it’s in true UCLA spirit to introduce stupid changes everyone hates?
The revolution starts today. Or tomorrow. Or whenever the next game is. I don’t fucking keep up with that stuff.
