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football

Opinion: Too Bad, AFSCME! We Are Spending Five Million Dollars On A New Quarterback

April 21, 2025 Chancellor Julio Frenk 0

Dear Bruin Community:   At UCLA, promoting the well-being of the Bruin family is our top priority. As your Chancellor, I do all kinds of […]

Charlie Brown Diagnosed With CTE

November 28, 2024 Maggie Kwan 0

ANYTOWN, USA – After getting his 7th concussion from failing to kick the football, Charlie Brown has been diagnosed with chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). “Wah […]

small children in blue shirts playing football

UCLA Football Salvages Season With Win Over Brentwood Elementary Pee-Wee Football Team

November 29, 2023 Josh Dittrich 0

ROSE BOWL — UCLA Football ended its season on a positive note following their late fourth-quarter comeback against the Brentwood Elementary Pee-Wee Football Team. “What […]

Gladiator in UCLA garb slays a USC gladiator

Rivalry Game Held at Actual Coliseum, Features Deadly Gladiatorial Combat

November 20, 2023 Matthew Graves 0

ROME — Football fans were shocked on Saturday when this year’s “Battle for LA” did not take place in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, but […]

Tom Brady Taking Gap Year

January 29, 2022 Don John 0

TAMPA — After 22 years in the NFL, veteran quarterback Tom Brady has announced that he will be leaving the game of football. “I don’t […]

UCLA Threatens To Leak Social Security Numbers If USC Wins (On Purpose This Time)

November 20, 2021 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — In a joint statement released today, Chip Kelly, Martin Jarmond, and Gene Block threatened to purposefully leak the entire UCLA student body’s social […]

“I Do My Own Research,” Says Aaron Rodgers On Why He Never Wins In Playoffs

November 6, 2021 Don John 0

GREEN BAY — Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers expressed in a recent interview that, similar to his stances on masks and the COVID-19 vaccines, he also […]

Tom Brady Does Football Good

March 4, 2021 Don John 0

TAMPA, FL — After emerging victorious in this year’s Super Bowl, it has become apparent to the sports world that Tom Brady does football really […]

NFL Plans To Quarantine COVID Positive Players In Team Facilities

December 1, 2020 Don John 0

NEW YORK — In a statement on Monday, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new COVID-19 protocols in the aftermath of increased coronavirus cases […]

Huge Football Player Somehow Makes Kids’ Razor Scooter Work

January 23, 2020 Frankie Clarke 0

CERRITOS, CA — Physicists have taken to the Razor Scooter headquarters in Cerritos, California earlier this week in an attempt to study the engineering genius […]

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

  • Report: Never Trust How You Feel About Your Life From 12AM To 11:59PM

    WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA’s Student Anxiety and Depression (SAD) laboratory recommends to never trust anything you think about your life from 12:00 […]

  • Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
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Sam Rusk
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