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Study: Productivity Increases 360% When Chairs Can Swivel All The Way Around

November 20, 2019 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD — Confidently swiveling in all directions to address her audience, project lead Angela Moriarty announced her team’s findings, which conclude that productivity increases 360% […]

Academy Accidentally Leaks Next Year’s “In Memoriam” Segment

November 18, 2019 Dylan Wood 0

LOS ANGELES — Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences are attempting damage control following reports that next year’s Oscars “In Memoriam” […]

Ethnomusicology Student Caught Listening To Maroon 5 On Spotify

November 18, 2019 Analisa Burns 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year ethnomusicology major Sebastian Arrow-Gantz lost his musical authority Monday morning when his Spotify listening activity revealed that he was playing Maroon 5 […]

Study Finds Earth Could Be Too Hot For Light Jackets By 2050

November 14, 2019 Jade Lacy 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelatory study released last week, the Environmental Protection Agency claimed that not too bad, but slightly chilly days may be […]

High School “A” Student Excited to be College “A” Student

November 14, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — In a declaration made to her life sciences study group last week, first-year nursing student Amanda Stein made it clear that because she […]

Area Man Googles “Kurd”

November 13, 2019 Dylan Wood 0

BUFFALO, NY — As the nation grapples with the Trump Administration’s decision to remove troops from Syria, area man Thomas Pitt took the drastic measure […]

Radio DJ Wonders If November Too Early To Start Playing Jonestown Tapes

November 12, 2019 Dylan Wood 0

INDIANAPOLIS — WZPL radio host Zack N. Cody once again faces an annual question: how early is too early to start playing the Jonestown Tapes […]

Op-Ed: As An Intellectual, I Eagerly Await The Return Of Rick And Morty

November 8, 2019 Han Darmon 0

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines “Wubba lubba dub dub” as an expression of jubilation, an exclamation of pure joy, and a rallying battle cry of the […]

Midterms Finish Just In Time For Midterms

November 6, 2019 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD — Bruins finally breathed a sigh of relief as midterms wrapped up this week, just in time for midterms to begin first thing next […]

Fossil Free UC Misunderstanding Leads To Loss Of Archaeology Department

November 3, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

WESTWOOD — In what is being called a “cultural tragedy,” the UCLA archaeology department was abolished last Wednesday after all of its materials were incinerated […]

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  • Ask The Enabler: Is It Too Late To Cancel My Den Pass Refund?

    Dear Westwood Enabler, I bought a Den Pass to maximize my time at UCLA and to give my uncle yet another excuse to bet on […]

  • Flakers Anonymous Reports Record Low Attendance

  • Consulting Clubs Consulted On What The Fuck They Actually Do

    WESTWOOD — UCLA’s ten thousand consulting clubs recently came under fire when they were consulted on what their clubs really do besides pose for headshots […]

  • Man With Fragile Ego Sits In Waymo Driver’s Seat

    WESTWOOD — While returning home from a failed driver’s license test, aspiring Cybertruck owner Grant T. Otto broke Waymo’s ‘rider rules’ by climbing into the […]

  • Angeleno Prepares For Storm By Already Driving Like Shit

    WESTWOOD — In preparation for this week’s rare October storm, one local resident has decided to take up driving like shit in order to lessen […]

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