UCLA To Provide Free Girl Talk In All Campus Bathrooms
WESTWOOD — Following the installation of free menstrual products in over 50% of UCLA bathrooms, administration has announced plans to provide free girl talk in […]
‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank
NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]
Report: Judge Who Struck Down Mask Mandate Has A Great Smile
TAMPA — Reporters on the scene at Florida’s Middle District Federal court, where Judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle recently struck down the mask mandate for public […]
Gene Block Opens New Filing Place For Student Petitions
WESTWOOD — Campus is at a complete standstill as news travels of the newest student-curated petition accomplishing nothing. “When will these dumb fuckin’ kids learn?” […]
Jack Nicholson Found Alive At 85
LOS ANGELES — According to various sources, Jack Nicholson, the actor best known for his roles in iconic films like The Shining and Chinatown, was […]
Andre To Perform At Coachella
INDIO, CA — In an unprecedented announcement, Andre has announced via his Instagram page (@larger_thanlife_3) that he will be performing at the Coachella Valley Music […]
Student Requesting Extension Types Transcript of Recent Therapy Session In Email
WESTWOOD — Third-year political science major Jeffrey Trabor included the transcript of his recent therapy session in an email to his TA requesting an extension. […]
Gender Studies Professor Reports Attendance Optional, Jade Eggs Mandatory
WESTWOOD — Gender Studies 10 Professor John Camp announced that while attendance is optional for his course, jade eggs will be firmly mandatory. “Given the […]
Oops, Grandma Ate A Plastic Egg And Now We’re Praying For A Second Resurrection
USC MEDICAL CENTER — Bringing a tragic end to a day of religious festivities, Grandma ate a plastic egg, and now we’re asking God in […]
Generous Airline Passenger Offers Half Of Armrest In Exchange For Six Hours Of Touching
LAX — Move over, “Miracle on 34th Street,” today there was a miracle in the 34th row: airline passenger and local hero Walt Jones offered […]