UCLA To Provide Free Girl Talk In All Campus Bathrooms

WESTWOOD — Following the installation of free menstrual products in over 50% of UCLA bathrooms, administration has announced plans to provide free girl talk in bathrooms across campus, regardless of gender. “Having a chat with your girls over a chorus of pee streams is a human right,” said Chancellor Gene Block, who was seen kicking his feet under the stalls as he delivered his address from the Ackerman A-level bathrooms. “We’ve staffed hundreds of slightly tipsy girls who are ready to dish about their shitty boyfriends, and of course hear your troubles in return. We hope this initiative will make all Bruins feel welcome, even if they don’t have their own group of girlies to bring to the bathroom.” Block also assured attendees that the girl talkers will be thoroughly trained in complimenting outfits, noticing if you have toilet paper on your shoe, and saying ‘you don’t deserve that, girl!”

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Jade is an enigma, the shadow at the edge of your vision, the personification of night, and a third-year English major. She enjoys creeping into your nightmares and creative writing.