Opinion: How Can I Help The Homeless If They Don’t Have Venmo?
Yesterday, I was walking back to campus after enjoying a delicious $15 salad at Tendergreens when a homeless man looked right into my eyes and […]
Diversity Gone Mad: Blue Man Group Brings On White Guy
LAS VEGAS— After 35 years of an all-blue cast, the Blue Man Group has decided to unveil their first white member, Brian. “I’m excited to […]
Geezer Alert! This UCLA Student Just Said “Covel” Instead Of “Epicuria”
WESTWOOD RETIREMENT HOME — Alleged UCLA student Trevor Child unintentionally revealed his true, prehistoric identity this week when he used the antiquated term “Covel” instead […]
Student Graduating Cum Laude Cums Loud
WESTWOOD — Communications major Jonathan Yao shocked students and staff Friday when he ejaculated in his graduation gown while accepting his diploma. “It could’ve been […]
Touring High Schooler Looks Like A Better Fit For Berkeley
WESTWOOD — A high school student touring the UCLA campus looks like they would be a better fit for second-rate UC Berkeley. “Usually when I’m […]
FBI Closes Homicide Investigation, Concludes That Victim Has Died
LOS ANGELES — Detective Darren Bishop provided a final investigative update earlier today on the homicide of Kevin Murphy. “Progress has been difficult. The victim […]
North Campus Students Enjoy First Week of Summer
WESTWOOD — UCLA students majoring in the humanities and social sciences have reportedly been enjoying their first week of summer, which as far as they […]
Opinion: I Heard Your Stomach Growl In Class, But I’m A Really Nice Person
Hi there! It’s me, the one who sits next to you in class! I just wanted to let you know that I did actually hear […]
Oh No! The Girl You Like Is An Active GroupMe Participant
WESTWOOD — Third-year Calvin Brown was disheartened upon joining his class GroupMe and seeing more than ten messages from his crush Emily Lee. “You really […]
Onto The Next Chapter! Senior Gets High And Forgets To Go To Class One Last Time
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year statistics student Robert Chatterly woke up early this morning in preparation for his last class at UCLA, but not before taking a […]