Tell Us Your Zodiac Sign And We’ll Tell You What Tragedy Happened To Your Mom’s Acquaintance Today
Ring, ring, your mom is calling! Is she just saying hi? Or has something terrible happened to someone that you may or may not remember? […]
Inclusivity Win! Nestle Treats Gay Child Slaves Just As Well As Straight Ones
NESTLE HEADQUARTERS — After the human rights organization International Rights Advocates filed legal action against Nestle alleging the use of child slave labor, Nestle CEO […]
UCLA Frat Issues Notes App Apology for Alleged Serial Sexual Assault
WESTWOOD — On Monday, a UCLA Fraternity was cornered into finally addressing their countless sexual assault allegations. Their method of addressing this serious issue was […]
Duffl Employment Qualifications Include Not Fearing God
WESTWOOD — In response to persistent questions about their hiring practices, Duffl has made public their employment qualifications, which include not fearing God. “Our ideal […]
FDA Approves Emergency “Thoughts And Prayers” Treatment For Gunshot Victims
SILVER SPRINGS, MD — The recent shooting in Uvalde, TX which left 21 dead has prompted the Food and Drug Administration to grant emergency use […]
Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done
UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]
Dog In Hiding After Owner Plays “Dog Days Are Over”
WESTWOOD — Late Monday morning, 10-year-old French bulldog Missy was found by park-goers hiding in a makeshift bunker after her owner played Florence and the […]
Student Has A Blast At Virtual Study Abroad
WESTWOOD — Due to the pandemic, second-year linguistics student Dan Gene-Attell willingly paid $20,000 to take online classes from Barcelona, Spain while remaining in his […]
Point: That’s A Cute Shirt / Counterpoint: Not With Your Boobs
P: That’s a cute shirt. By: Melissa Beining It’s everywhere. It follows. It can’t be categorized, yet it’s instantly recognizable. It’s inexplicable—yet, undeniable, too. Every […]
Feel Old Yet? The Universe Was Created 8,000 Years Ago
OMAHA — Scientists discovered Thursday that the universe was created 8,000 years ago. “Feel old yet? God, that’s such a long time,” said chief astrophysicist […]