NESTLE HEADQUARTERS — After the human rights organization International Rights Advocates filed legal action against Nestle alleging the use of child slave labor, Nestle CEO Ulf Mark Schneider released a statement defending the international company. “The children are very happy, and we treat all the children equally, no matter if they are gay, straight, trans, cis … all we care about is that they reach the cocoa quota!” said Schneider as he online-shopped for blood diamonds. “When one of our workers, an adorable eleven year old boy from Mali, came out as gay, we threw him a wonderful pride parade. Does that sound like a toxic workplace to you? Throwing a child a parade during their monthly 15 minute break?” At the end of the interview, Schneider reassured members of the press that Nestle’s factories are 100% carbon neutral as long as the children stay on the hamster wheels during their 18 hour shifts.
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Putin's second least favorite Jewish comedian.