FDA Approves Emergency “Thoughts And Prayers” Treatment For Gunshot Victims

SILVER SPRINGS, MD — The recent shooting in Uvalde, TX which left 21 dead has prompted the Food and Drug Administration to grant emergency use authorization to the experimental “Thoughts and Prayers” gunshot remedy. “Nearly one in ten doctors recommend it, and I personally think it has a 100% success rate of making my patients feel better,” said “Dr.” Billy Jenkins, despite public opinion polling showing a degree of skepticism toward the treatment’s validity. Asked one anonymous source, “How could they have approved something like that so fast? Who knows what kind of thoughts and/or prayers the government wants to put into my body?” At press time, Jenkins could be seen replacing his stethoscope with a Bushmaster QRC Tactical Semi-Auto Rifle with Red Dot Sight.