FBI Closes Homicide Investigation, Concludes That Victim Has Died

LOS ANGELES — Detective Darren Bishop provided a final investigative update earlier today on the homicide of Kevin Murphy. “Progress has been difficult. The victim – a diabetic with a history of high blood pressure – was found deceased in his home months after his third heart attack in two years,” explained Bishop, wiping his face with an informational pamphlet about cardiovascular disease. “All we know is that the coroner is 99.99% sure that he had heart failure and that the victim was complaining about intense chest pain minutes before death. However, since no concrete evidence has surfaced, we must close the investigation without a culprit.” At press time, Det. Bishop could be seen grasping his chest and complaining of shortness of breath.