Bruin Bash 2022 To Feature Literal Bashing
WESTWOOD — Amid widespread speculation over which artist will be headlining UCLA’s Bruin Bash, exciting information has come to light: the 2022 edition of the […]
Lack Of Strict Adherence To Move-In Time Now Punishable By Death
WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing community was rocked by a major policy change Saturday, when students arriving for move-in outside of their designated appointment times […]
Elizabeth II Also Struggling With Unexpected Heat Wave
HELL— Following unusually high temperatures across California this week, word has come in from Balmoral Castle in Scotland today that Queen Elizabeth II is also […]
UCLA Introduces New 3 Bedroom/17 Person Apartments
WESTWOOD — UCLA made waves Saturday with the unveiling of an innovative new housing option: a three-bedroom, seventeen-occupant apartment. “Well, we had to figure out […]
CDC Drops 2nd C From Name
ATLANTA — Following a series of changes to their COVID-19 policies, the C.D.C. has declared that they will be dropping the second “C” from their […]
In-N-Out Burger To Replace Bible Verses On Wrappers With Shakespearean Insults
IRVINE — Billionaire owner and president of In-N-Out Burger, Lynsi Snyder, announced last Thursday that the wholesome Bible verses on their packaging will soon be […]
FBI Seizes Barron Trump During Mar-A-Logo Raid
PALM BEACH — Officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Friday that they had seized Donald Trump’s youngest son, Barron, in their search of […]
God Tried For Crimes Against Humanity
THE HAGUE — On Monday morning, the International Criminal Court began its trial of God for His lengthy history of crimes against humanity. God is […]
“Just Do It” And 4 Other Things To Say To Your Sweatshop Workers
Sweatshop workers not sweating enough? Don’t sweat it, because the Westwood Enabler has you covered with these original motivational lines! Never tell them that no […]
Ancient Memo Reveals All Greek Sculptures Just Wank Bank Material
ATHENS — A groundbreaking archeological dig revealed Monday that all ancient Greek sculptures were created with the sole purpose of providing convenient visual stimuli to […]