5 Tips For Setting Healthy Boundaries With The Ants In Your Kitchen
Fall is here, and you know what that means! Pumpkin spice, holiday breaks, and several hundred new roommates. That’s right, your apartment is crawling with […]
Unbelievable! Phone Call You Put Off For Months Took Two Minutes
YOUR SILLY BRAIN — Despite a history of this very thing happening, you were once again shocked today when that phone call you’ve been putting […]
Joe Biden Announces Nationwide Slut Era As Birth Rates Fall
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. […]
Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix
LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]
Opinion: How Bringing My Copy Of “Ready Player Two” With Me To The Dining Hall Helped Me Get Laid
Like many UCLA students, I had hoped to experience my first romance at this fine institution, but as an oft-ignored fellow, that moment seemed like […]
Gene Block Purchases Gene Glock Following Recent Budget Cuts
WESTWOOD — Due to recent budget cuts, Chancellor Gene Block has begun pushing for a new cost-cutting and productivity-boosting measure: murder. “Even if we shoot […]
This Year, Gene Block Is Thankful You Haven’t Heard About The Mold Yet
WESTWOOD — As Thanksgiving approaches and the UCLA community undergoes the largest strike in recent history, Gene Block is grateful for your ignorance of the […]
On-Campus Squirrels Now Required To Purchase Meal Plan
WESTWOOD — — UCLA Dining made the controversial decision Monday to require on-campus squirrels to purchase a meal plan. “We make all the other on-campus […]
Student Points Out Movie Was Filmed At UCLA, Cums
WESTWOOD — First-year Jacques Mehoff has been struggling with non-coital emissions during recent group movie nights watching films he personally picked out. “Did you know […]
Elon Musk Buys UCLA
WESTWOOD — After his $44 billion purchase of Twitter proved financially ruinous, billionaire Elon Musk has decided to buy UCLA in hopes of recouping his […]