Elon Musk Buys UCLA

WESTWOOD — After his $44 billion purchase of Twitter proved financially ruinous, billionaire Elon Musk has decided to buy UCLA in hopes of recouping his wealth. “The first thing I’m going to do is fire all the TAs who are striking,” said Musk, who plans to bring free speech back to Westwood by suspending any students who criticize him. “Despite the um, messy, you could say, results of my layoffs at Twitter, I still believe that getting rid of all of a company’s employees at once is a great business practice.” At press time, Musk had shut down all classes to facilitate the construction of a Starship Robot Hyperloop on campus.

About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.