Opinion: How Bringing My Copy Of “Ready Player Two” With Me To The Dining Hall Helped Me Get Laid

Like many UCLA students, I had hoped to experience my first romance at this fine institution, but as an oft-ignored fellow, that moment seemed like it would never come — that is, until the first day of the rest of my life. The day I met her.

On that fateful day, I had decided to ignore all the sad feelings and just enjoy my lunch, so I brought one of my favorite books with me to Bruin Plate and reread it while chowing down on a delicious salad. I was so engrossed in Ernest Cline’s thrilling story about dystopia and virtual reality that I barely noticed when a voice rang out behind me. 

“Is this seat taken?”

I turned around to see her: the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, gesturing at the chair next to me. 

“Oh, of course not! No, please sit!” I pulled out the chair for her, like the gentleman I am.

“Sorry,” she said. “I just couldn’t help but notice the book you were reading. It looks really interesting. What’s it about?”

“I’d be happy to explain it to you! It’s about this team of gunters who — wait, you haven’t read the first one, right? Let me explain that first. So that starts with this guy, Wade Watts who spends a lot of time in this virtual world, and then he meets this badass hot girl in the game. You know, she reminds me a lot of you, actually…” 

I proceeded to explain in detail the plot of Ready Player One, making sure to explain all of the pop culture references she probably didn’t know. Once I was finished, I took her through Ready Player Two, which in my opinion is the superior installment of the duology. Then, realizing she hadn’t watched the movie, I decided to recap that as well, detailing all the elements in which the movie differed from the book and made it a disappointing and unfaithful adaptation. 

“Wow, you must be so smart to read all those books and know all those references,” she said, giggling. “Hey, do you want to get out of here?”

The rest of the story cannot be recounted in this article, as I have been informed that it would be considered too explicit for this respectable publication. However, after we emerged from my dorm room a full 16 hours later, I resolved to tell my story to the world, in the hopes that you too, dear reader, can experience tender intimacy for the first time. True love is like an easter egg hidden by an eccentric billionaire in a virtual reality game — it can be hard to find, but once you do, you are set for life.