Opinion: If We’re Bringing Back Cigarettes, Why Don’t We Also Bring Back Opium?
I’ve noticed an interesting trend recently. You’re at a party, drinking your beers, sipping your jungle juice, and all of a sudden everyone is smoking […]
Gene Block Pulls A Gone Girl, Disappears
WESTWOOD — The campus community was in uproar on Friday following the disappearance of our beloved chancellor Gene Block. “I miss him so much,” sobbed […]
Three Signs You Have Developed A Parasocial Relationship With Gene Block
Are you feeling those pesky little butterflies fluttering in your tummy when you think about how close you are to Gene Block again after break? […]
Opinion: If I Spill My Trauma To You, Will You Let Me Into Your Grad Program?
I’ve known I wanted to be a neurosurgeon ever since I saw my grandfather get run over by a Zamboni. Right in that moment, as […]
Report: Oh, You Fucked It Up. You Fucked It All Up
HOLLYWOOD— According to multiple sources, you reeeaaally did it this time. “Take a cold, hard look at yourself,” said one source familiar with the situation, […]
Ask The Enabler: “Best Places To Hide A Vibrator In A Classic Triple?”
If a roommate questions why your portable charger is covered in white marks and has an odor, the safest bet is to blame it on […]
BREAKING: The Hat Man Is Coming For You
YOUR LOCATION — He can see you. Run.
Report: Number Of Dining Hall Utensils Stolen Weighed Against Your Soul In Afterlife
PURGATORY — A recent study by God revealed that the number of utensils stolen from dining halls on The Hill will be weighed against your […]
Brendon Urie Files For Divorce From Brendon Urie
LOS ANGELES— Brendon Urie, lead singer and only remaining member of the former pop-rock band Panic! At The Disco, has announced that he will be […]
Trend Watch: Cooking With Buccal Fat
So, you’ve decided to remove your buccal fat because someone on TikTok told you to. Way to go! You’ve joined the ranks of admirable, hardworking […]