Report: Number Of Dining Hall Utensils Stolen Weighed Against Your Soul In Afterlife

PURGATORY — A recent study by God revealed that the number of utensils stolen from dining halls on The Hill will be weighed against your soul in the afterlife. “After volunteering at the local orphanage for 30 years and donating both my kidneys, I’m going to hell because I stole three forks from BPlate my freshman year?” said UCLA graduate Cliff Spooner, who feels massively underprepared to spend the next eternity burning in the fiery pits of hell despite his advanced degree. “Some guy calling himself God just told me I should’ve thought twice before I napkin-wrapped those vegan brownies back to my dorm. Then he said I took it “one banana too far?!” What do you want me to do, go give them back?” At press time, Spooner was being condemned to eternally eat at Northern Lights for his crime of still owning those big salad bowls from Feast in his adult home decades after graduation.