International Student Shocked To Learn Texas Is Not The Wild West
WESTWOOD, CA—After a recent trip to Texas, Abdul Nasreen, an international student from the Middle East, declared his shock when it was revealed to him […]
Local Asshole Plans “Edgy” Halloween Costume
LOS ANGELES—Drawing on a combination of recent tragedies and sensitive topics, area man Eric Silva announced Sunday that his Halloween costume will serve as the […]
Addition Of New “History of Blowjobs” Class Causes Widespread Controversy
WESTWOOD—Amidst a steadily increasing tide of budget cuts, many students and faculty members have been left wondering what the future of their departments will be. Over […]
Bruin Café Introduces 3 a.m. “Hate Yourself” Meal Period
WESTWOOD—In an effort to better accommodate the eating habits of the typical college student, Bruin Café has added a new “Hate Yourself” dining period to […]
Post-’90s Decline Of Wallet Chains Leading To Millennial Spike In Wallet Theft
DES MOINES, IA — According to a recent study conducted by the Institute for the Research on Residual ’90s Influences, the annual rate of wallet […]
University Of California Divests From Self
OAKLAND—Declaring that they can no longer support an institution invested in companies that facilitate civil rights abuses and climate change among other issues, the UC board […]
The Enabler Asks You: Bcaf’s New Turkey Sandwich
A petition to bring back Bcaf’s old turkey sandwich recipe has gained nearly 400 supporters. Though the original sandwich was criticized for its high sodium content, […]
Students Disappointed At Enormous Activities Fair’s Lack Of Enormous Activities
WESTWOOD—“I’ve never felt so bitterly disappointed in my life,” said freshman Emily Offshore. Like many others, Offshore visited UCLA’s Enormous Activities Fair (EAF) to view the […]
Obama Makes Cuts To Length Of Day
WASHINGTON—Citing the immense cost it takes to power the sun as well as a lack of sun-related job creation, president Obama announced today that the […]