Sea Creatures Invade Land; Land Creatures Encouraged To Take Flight
EARTH—In light of the sudden mass migration of vast amounts of sea life onto the shores of the world, scientists across the globe issued statements […]
Freshman Not Yet BFFs With Roommate
WESTWOOD—Julia Lin, a UCLA freshman living in a double in Hedrick Hall, admitted today that she had not yet managed to become best friends with […]
Professor Has Sex With Student In Exchange For Positive BruinWalk Review
WESTWOOD—Trying to improve his abysmally low rating on the popular instructor evaluation site bruinwalk.com Monday, UCLA Statistics professor Phil Tennyson had sexual intercourse with one […]
The W.E. Guide To History: Black Friday
LOS ANGELES — As seems to be the case with most if not all of our cherished American traditions, Black Friday has a much “darker” […]
Police Officer Shoots Black Friday
LOS ANGELES—Local police officer Warren Jameson has been placed under investigation after reportedly shooting and killing Black Friday in a violent altercation this morning. The […]
Communist Bookstore Holds Black Friday Blow-Out Sale
SILVER LAKE—Local privately-owned bookstore Bookmarx has announced plans for their first-ever Black Friday sale this week. The store, which features a wide selection of communist […]
Obama Pardons Terrorist Turkey
WASHINGTON D.C. – This Wednesday, President Obama participated in the annual tradition of the Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon. Unusually, Obama chose a turkey from Guantanamo Bay. Truffles […]
Student Voices: Movie Critics Failed To Tell Me What To Think Of Interstellar
I have a bone to pick with the almighty movie critics of this world: why the hell haven’t they told me what to think of […]
UC Regents Devastated By Cancellation Of Beat ‘SC Bonfire
OAKLAND – Watching a live feed of the Beat SC Bonfire Rally on the 150” 3D television inside his opulently-furnished multi-million dollar mega-mansion tonight, UC […]