LOS ANGELES—Local police officer Warren Jameson has been placed under investigation after reportedly shooting and killing Black Friday in a violent altercation this morning.
The incident occurred when Jameson stopped and frisked Black Friday under suspicion of littering. He claims that the intangible concept of the holiday shopping season ran toward him and attempted to reach for his weapon, causing him to act in self-defense.
“I believe I acted within reasonable limits when I forcefully obliterated the entire holiday,” said Officer Jameson in an official press release. “I had reason to believe that the widespread consumption of discounted electronics posed an immediate threat to my physical safety.”
Despite public outrage and the fundamental concept of justice, Officer Jameson was placed on paid leave and is unlikely to stand trial. “Oh, why not? I dunno, just ‘cause,” said county grand juror Mitch Hamilton in an interview earlier this week. “Like, it seems his story is, more or less, plausible. Sure, why not.”
At press time, the entire jury is pretending to examine case evidence while secretly texting under their desks.