Obama Pardons Terrorist Turkey

President Obama calms Gobbler as he waits nervously for his official pardon.

WASHINGTON D.C. – This Wednesday, President Obama participated in the annual tradition of the Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon. Unusually, Obama chose a turkey from Guantanamo Bay.

Truffles “Gobbler” Turkeyson was selected at random from this year’s pool of potentially criminal turkeys. While most turkeys who enter are charged with minor felonies ranging from drug dealing to going incredibly well with cranberry sauce, Gobbler had been put on death row for animal rights extremism.

“In a way, he’s almost like a hero to us,” said local everyturkey John Soggs, “though we don’t all agree with his methods, of course. Every turkey is different.”

“He’s a man and a myth. All animal rights extremism is attributed to him – you know, I heard my nephew saying the other day that PETA was started by Gobbler,” Soggs continued.

Gobbler himself has remained silent throughout the years, choosing instead to let his actions speak for himself. He has given notoriously few interviews since entering Guantanamo Bay, the most recent of which ended with him attempting to forcibly feed his lunch to a prison staff member who entered during the interview.

“You like that, huh? You like being force-fed and kept from your wife and kids?” he shouted before being subdued with a blanket and a side of mashed potatoes.

Gobbler, also known as The UniGobbler, Osama Bin Gobblin’, and the Cold Turkey, was born on a Jenny-Oh farm in Montana. At the tender age of eight months, Gobbler escaped by stealing a tractor and holding up the farm’s owner, Mr. John DeWitt. After escaping Jenny-Oh, Gobbler joined the skinhead movement as an activist for bald-headed birds. In the four year crime spree leading up to his arrest, Gobbler was involved in tear-gassing farmers and 4-H groups in addition to bombing local farmers markets. Common themes amongst his online publications include equal treatment amongst intelligent animals and humans and requiring Animal Farm as reading in the second grade. Between campaigns of terror, Gobbler had time to start his own gang, the Wishbone Crew, who gained notoriety after literally painting a town red with human blood stolen from a Red Cross storage facility. Gobbler’s life of crime came to an end when he was arrested after a sit-in at the FDA. While Gobbler had attempted to blend in with the crowd, his plans for anonymity failed when he was the only turkey in attendance.

“It was all over the news. We were devastated, but relieved. We don’t want everyone to think all turkeys are like him, but his work needed to be done,” said Soggs.

Until this point in time, Gobbler had been receiving routine gravy-boarding to get more information about his comrades. While he had remained relatively silent, he had recently begun to scream out names of potential cohorts in his sleep, attributed to the mounting stress.

“We need to keep him in. He has to remain where we can get more information,” sobbed Mrs. Jean DeWitt. DeWitt’s husband has become a vegan since his violent encounter with Gobbler and, according to Mrs. Dewitt, “has not been the same sense.”

“It’s very important to me that he remains in custody, where he can harm no others and is punished for his crimes. This random turkey lottery is complete nonsense, and quite frankly, speciesist. It’s not like we annually pick a human to be pardoned for Labor Day!” cried Mrs. DeWitt.

President Obama has publicly argued against protestors like DeWitt in press conferences and Facebook updates.

“The turkey we know as Gobbler is actually a gentle soul who I have come to know as Truffles. Truffles is a transformed bird. He has shown great care in respecting human customs in every meeting with me and speaks of channeling his animal rights-fueled rage into safer activities such as feather-painting,” Obama passionately spoke. “I see no reason to fear this bird. Truffles is a good man. Bird. Man-bird.”


About Jessica Waite 41 Articles
Jessica Waite is a 4th year Comparative Literature student who spends more time with her hamster than with other people. Her interests include animals (all), people (few), and social justice (80%).