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Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together

December 11, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that […]

Research Indicates That Cute Girl From Class Will Notice You, Eventually

December 10, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD—Researchers from the Relationship Institute at UCLA have recently discovered empirical proof that that cute girl from class will notice you, eventually. “It’s amazing. What […]

Man Probably Going To Gym Tomorrow

December 10, 2014 Kushal Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD, CA—Area man Robert Lophis, an average student with an average body, was recently heard saying that he would go to the gym tomorrow. Those […]

Humility 1A Has 2% Passing Rate; Professor Calls It ‘The Point’

December 9, 2014 Reed MacDonald 0

WESTWOOD—For the past three years, students have been walking out of a classroom in Bunche Hall in stunned silence, feeling degraded, vulnerable, and humiliated. The […]

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Banana-Smuggling Cartel Busted At B-Plate

December 8, 2014 Tanu Srivastava 0

WESTWOOD—In a development that has left the UCLA community speechless, a banana-smuggling cartel was found early Sunday evening to be operating out of UCLA’s newest […]

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Local School Shuns Seesaw For Fat-Shaming

December 8, 2014 Saniya Anand 0

BRENTWOOD—In an unfortunate incident that drew the attention of parents and plump kids across the country, Heatherwood Elementary School’s Leslie Mitchell found himself unable to […]

Sea Creatures Invade Land; Land Creatures Encouraged To Take Flight

December 6, 2014 Luke Moran 0

EARTH—In light of the sudden mass migration of vast amounts of sea life onto the shores of the world, scientists across the globe issued statements […]

Freshman Not Yet BFFs With Roommate

December 5, 2014 Tanu Srivastava 0

WESTWOOD—Julia Lin, a UCLA freshman living in a double in Hedrick Hall, admitted today that she had not yet managed to become best friends with […]

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Professor Has Sex With Student In Exchange For Positive BruinWalk Review

December 1, 2014 Christopher Wong 0

WESTWOOD—Trying to improve his abysmally low rating on the popular instructor evaluation site bruinwalk.com Monday, UCLA Statistics professor Phil Tennyson had sexual intercourse with one […]

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Thanksgiving 2014 In Numbers

November 29, 2014 Luke Moran 0

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

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Georgia McNeill
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Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
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