Report: Students Born In The Year 1900 Smarter; Dead
RIVERSIDE, CA—Citing a new study by the Institute of New Era Insight, UC Riverside Chancellor Kim [man] A. Wilcox declared that students born in the […]
Report: Quality Of Fanfics Goes Down
MELBOURNE—Recent statistics from the Australian Bureau of Pop Culture indicate that the quality of fan-written fiction about a series, or “fanfics”, tends to go downhill […]
Particle Physicists Admit They’re Just Making Shit Up
GENEVA—Last Thursday, particle physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) admitted that they were just completely making up bullshit that sounded smart and […]
Girl Who Switched From Glasses To Contacts Still As Unattractive As Ever
RICHMOND, VA — Following several seconds of one-sided deliberation, classmates of Polk Middle School 7th grader Bethany Walton confirmed to reporters Tuesday that despite her […]
2 Severely Injured In Fire, My Bad
LOS ANGELES—Two civilians, Glen and Lisa, were hospitalized earlier today after I accidentally knocked a candle over, setting fire to their apartment. “Clearly he didn’t […]
Man Shoplifts Chinese Character From Tattoo Parlor
SANTA MONICA―An unidentified shoplifter left La Pistola Tattoo Parlor with a stolen tattoo of the Chinese character for “strength” on his lower back, police reported […]
Real Life Growing Increasingly Hard To Satirize
LOS ANGELES—A recent study by the News Inanity Research Laboratory revealed that the increasingly ridiculous state of real events has triggered a dangerous shortage of […]
Report: 70% Of LA Drivers Now Driving Poorly Out Of Spite
LOS ANGELES—A recent survey conducted by the Los Angeles County department of transportation found that as many as 70% of Los Angeles drivers who admitted […]
UCLA Reveals School Colors To Be White And Gold
WESTWOOD—Citing the effects of shadows and lighting in various sporting venues over the years, campus officials announced today that UCLA’s school colors are in fact […]
Anti-Vaccination Epidemic Cured By Measles
ANAHEIM, CA – Officials from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced Saturday that the anti-vaccination epidemic that has afflicted the United States for […]