Suicide Hotline Worker Gears Up For Valentine’s Day
AUSTIN, TEXAS – Julius Camus, a veteran crisis counselor at the national suicide hotline’s call center in Austin, is getting ready for the busiest day […]
POINT: I Don’t Need To Celebrate Valentine’s Day To Be Happy / COUNTERPOINT: Oh God I Am So Alone
Point I Don’t Need To Celebrate Valentine’s Day To Be Happy By: Peter Tan When I was in a relationship not too long ago, I had […]
Classes Canceled Due To National Give-A-Fuck Shortage
LOS ANGELES — Despite the continuation of the scholastic quarter at UCLA and other moderately impressive learning institutions, the Federal Bureau of Education has announced […]
Foolish Humans Elect New Leader Based On Beauty, Charisma
MIAMI— In an event televised across the galactic quadrant, the humans of Earth have chosen from among their flock a new “Miss Universe” to reign […]
Republicans Criticize State Of The Union As Abuse Of Executive Power
WASHINGTON, DC—Claiming vast overreaches in executive power, Republican leaders came out in criticism of president Obama today after his delivering of an unapproved State of […]
U.S. Sends Special Task Force To Sexually Liberate Middle East
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In light of growing concerns over the increasing volatility of the region, Middle Eastern Operations Director for US Special Forces Miguel Jackson […]
Daily Bruin Kept Completely Afloat By Crossword, Sudoku
WESTWOOD—A recent survey of Daily Bruin readership revealed that 100% of readers only picked up the award-winning student-run newspaper for its crossword puzzle and Sudoku. […]
Nation Relieved That Issues Of 2014 No Longer Matter
THE UNITED STATES—In the midst of celebrations ringing in the new year, Americans across the country are reportedly relieved to learn that the crucial issues of […]
Gene Block’s Year In Review 2014
Chancellor Block had a big year this year. Let’s take a look at some of his most memorable moments of 2014!
North Korea Launches Full-Scale Metaphorical Assault On United States
PYONGYANG—Claiming vast amounts of rhetorical power as well as the idea of a massive army, North Korean officials announced plans today to metaphorically annihilate the […]