TFT Tests Positive For James Franco
WESTWOOD — A test issued at random last Tuesday by the Centers for Celebrity Disease Control came up positive on multiple counts of Celebrity, indicating […]
Tragedy Strikes at Local Spelling Bee. Tragedy. T-R-A-G-E-D-Y. Tragedy.
LOS ANGELES — The 6th Annual Rosen Spelling Bee competition was struck with tragedy Saturday evening as the burning of electrical wires sparked off a […]
Students Vow To Start Procrastinating Earlier In Quarter
WESTWOOD – After an academically disappointing quarter, a group of second-year UCLA students has resolved to start procrastinating earlier next quarter. “Normally I don’t feel guilty […]
6 AM Great Time To Leaf-Blow Outside Dorms
WESTWOOD – Recent reports from UCLA groundskeepers indicate that 6AM is the ideal time to leaf-blow the area outside of the dorms. “It’s so quiet, […]
Report: Additional Highway Lane Reduces Amount Of Time For Texting
LOS ANGELES — Much to the displeasure of southern California commuters, a study conducted by the Department of Transportation revealed Sunday that the extra highway […]
Busy Area Father Misses Son’s Conception
LOS ANGELES—Working overtime due to an inability to tell his boss “No”, area father Peter Goodall failed to show up for his unborn son’s conception […]
Child Beachgoers Build Castle Of Sand, Water, Scattered Ashes
LAGUNA BEACH, CA — Mother of two Stacy Waldorf confirmed to reporters Sunday afternoon that on a recent trip to Laguna Beach, her two children, […]
First-Year Re-evaluates Entire Life After Receiving B+
LOS ANGELES— Upon receiving his fall grades, first year John Perff was horrified to realize that he had received a B+ in his introductory Backpack […]
Alumnus Excited To Leave Third Part-Time Job By 2020
LOS ANGELES—In light of LA’s recent minimum wage reform, UCLA class of 2014 alumnus Tyler Mills stated that he was excited to finally be able […]
Scientists Begin Construction On Robots That Will Eventually Conquer Humanity
by Nathan Guzik Robotics Engineers at MIT have made substantial progress on a revolutionary new model of robot, expected to attain sentience and enslave all […]