Shitty Club Promises T-shirts In Desperate Plea To Retain Members
WESTWOOD–In an attempt to retain what few members it has left, the shittiest club on campus has promised tee shirts to all of its remaining […]
Mom Totally Nails Guest Bathroom’s Beach Aesthetic With New Shell Soaps
TULSA, OK— After weeks of trying to perfect the downstairs guest bathroom, local mom Beth Patterson made a final addition of shell soaps to successfully […]
Gene Block Invites Students To Challenge Him In One-On-One Basketball
WESTWOOD—In an email sent out to the student body today, Chancellor Gene Block notified the school that he has set aside time to face students […]
Even Professor Piterberg Kind Of Surprised He Got His Old Job Back
WESTWOOD—After returning to campus with very few repercussions for the sexual harassment he committed two years earlier, Professor Piterberg recently announced that even he is […]
Friend Who Wasn’t Hungry Already Asking For A Bite
WESTWOOD — After insisting that she wasn’t hungry and deciding not to order food for herself, Stacy Abrams proceeded to ask for a bite of […]
“Thank God Weed Is Legal Now,” Says All Of California
SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling the passage of proposition 64 a “gift from heaven” and “the only thing keeping me fucking sane,” disaffected Californians all over the state […]
Thomas Jefferson Wakes Up In Cold Sweat, Cries, “My God, What A Terrible Nightmare”
MONTICELLO, VIRGINIA–Reporting feelings of tremendous fear, notable Founding Father Thomas Jefferson abruptly woke up in a cold sweat early this morning after a nightmarish vision […]
Op-Ed: Being Called A Whore On Bruinwalk Led Me To God
Every sinner has a chance to repent. I was a sinner, and I didn’t even know it. I lived every day of my life thinking […]
America Prays Cubs’ World Series Victory the Only Unfathomable Win This Year
CHICAGO–With the Chicago Cubs’ World Series win this Wednesday, liberal America has begun praying that the nation’s quota for unfathomable victories has been fulfilled for […]
Area Man Checks Into Standing Rock Hooters Location
STANDING ROCK, ND—Following a proliferation of online activism regarding the Dakota Access Pipeline, sources report that area man Mike Gianni showed his solidarity with indigenous […]