Dorm Resident Hospitalized After Automatic Toilet Flushes Prematurely
WESTWOOD — The sixth-floor communal bathroom of Sproul Cove was struck by tragedy Friday evening after a horrific flush-sensor malfunction in the second stall hospitalized […]
Top Five Goonable Robots
Robots. One of the greatest and most attractive inventions ever thought up. They can help you with chores, they have superhuman strength, and best of […]
Elon Musk Relegated To Cuck Chair At Trump Billionaire Orgy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Seating arrangements at the weekly Trump billionaire orgy have revealed that Elon Musk has been relegated to the cuck chair. “Guys, can […]
Julio Frenk Promises Undocumented Students He Will Do “Absolutely Nothing” To Help Them
WESTWOOD — After demands from the undocumented student group IDEAS for the Chancellor to meet with them, Julio Frenk has announced in a campus-wide email […]
Opinion: If Your Class Has A Week 9 Midterm, I Should Be Allowed To Skip The Final
Merriam-Webster defines a midterm as an examination in the middle of an academic term. A UCLA quarter has 10 weeks. So what’s the deal with […]
Jay Leno Arrested After Aiming Chin At Conan O’Brien At Oscars Afterparty
HOLLYWOOD — Vanity Fair’s 2025 Oscar Party dissolved into a state of panic after former Tonight Show host Jay Leno aimed his chin at fellow […]
“Old UCLA Hoodie And Jeans” Receives Oscar For Best Costume Design
HOLLYWOOD — Tonight, the Academy of Motion Arts and Pictures has announced that the modern-classic, “Old UCLA Hoodie and Jeans,” has won an Oscar for […]
UCLA Housing Signs Dorm Furnishing Contract With Temu
WESTWOOD — In anticipation of even less housing space and even more budget cuts, UCLA Housing has attempted to cut costs by signing a dorm […]
Local Nun Confused By Concept Of “Gloryhole”
WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Sunday, a local nun was found baffled after she overheard the term “gloryhole” when she went to a park restroom during […]
U.S. Army Chorus Perform ‘Do You Hear The People Sing’ In Brave Protest Against Themselves
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Army Choir, who thought that ‘Les Miserables’ was French for ‘Miserable Lesbians’, conducted a fearless uprising against the U.S. military […]