State Government Grants $5 Kohl’s Cash Stimulus To Fire Victims
WASHINGTON D.C. — Today, President Biden promised that all victims of the ongoing Southern California fires can expect to receive $5 Kohl’s Cash in their […]
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Gift Of Prophecy? Californians Glad They Voted To Keep Inmate Firefighters Enslaved
CALIFORNIA — As Southern California wildfires stretch non-incarcerated fire crews thin, Democrats and Republicans alike are applauding their foresight in voting against Proposition 6, which would […]
Opinion: I’m Evacuating With My Custom Fantasy Tentacle Dildo And That’s IT
The Woke Snowflake Blue-Haired Microbangs Shaved Head SJW SJP Left keep posting “helpful evacuation packing lists,” and it’s frankly pissing me off. If this is […]
Biden Makes Crucial Mistake In Pardoning Turkey, Accidentally Pardons Human Son
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning turn of events, President Joe Biden has officially pardoned his son Hunter Biden from a series of federal tax […]
Well, That Can’t Be Good! Las Vegas Sphere Rolls Away
LAS VEGAS — The Las Vegas entertainment industry suffered a devastating loss this past weekend when a strong gust of wind sent the world-famous Sphere […]
LinkedIn Rolls Out New “Open To Fuck” Banner
WESTWOOD — LinkedIn use is on the rise, with seniors desperate to secure connections before graduating, but with a sparse job market, many students are […]
History Department Announces New Concentration In “Future”
WESTWOOD – After running out of past to study, the history department has announced that students can now declare a concentration in “future.” “We are […]
School Spirit? Student Refuses To Wear Trojan Condoms
WESTWOOD – In a bold display of Bruin spirit, first-year Gender Studies major Chad Ryan announced on his Instagram yesterday his refusal to wear Trojan […]