WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning turn of events, President Joe Biden has officially pardoned his son Hunter Biden from a series of federal tax offenses and gun charges after repeatedly stating that he would not do so – an act White House officials claim to be a simple misunderstanding. “I thought he was the uhhh…uhhh…Thanksgiving chicken…uhhh,” remarked the president upon questioning, as his beautiful blue eyes disassociated into a 1000-yard stare. “And for the record – dodging taxes, doing crack, and boning hookers is cool as fuck.” At press time, President Biden and American democracy were seen simultaneously disintegrating into a fine powder.
