WASHINGTON D.C. — Today, President Biden promised that all victims of the ongoing Southern California fires can expect to receive $5 Kohl’s Cash in their email inboxes. “Affected individuals can open up their spam folders and see a gift from ol’ Joe. Don’t spend it all at one time, now!” stated President Biden, while sending his personal shopper out to buy designer onesies for his great-grandchild. “There’s plenty of flaming-hot sales for everyone! The 4-Day Refresh Deal should be enough to turn those frowns upside down.” At press time, President Biden was rummaging through Kohl’s Babies “R” Us section for some new diapers.