Particle Physicists Admit They’re Just Making Shit Up
GENEVA—Last Thursday, particle physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) admitted that they were just completely making up bullshit that sounded smart and […]
News
Girl Who Switched From Glasses To Contacts Still As Unattractive As Ever
RICHMOND, VA — Following several seconds of one-sided deliberation, classmates of Polk Middle School 7th grader Bethany Walton confirmed to reporters Tuesday that despite her […]
2 Severely Injured In Fire, My Bad
LOS ANGELES—Two civilians, Glen and Lisa, were hospitalized earlier today after I accidentally knocked a candle over, setting fire to their apartment. “Clearly he didn’t […]
Man Shoplifts Chinese Character From Tattoo Parlor
SANTA MONICA―An unidentified shoplifter left La Pistola Tattoo Parlor with a stolen tattoo of the Chinese character for “strength” on his lower back, police reported […]
Real Life Growing Increasingly Hard To Satirize
LOS ANGELES—A recent study by the News Inanity Research Laboratory revealed that the increasingly ridiculous state of real events has triggered a dangerous shortage of […]
Report: 70% Of LA Drivers Now Driving Poorly Out Of Spite
LOS ANGELES—A recent survey conducted by the Los Angeles County department of transportation found that as many as 70% of Los Angeles drivers who admitted […]
UCLA Reveals School Colors To Be White And Gold
WESTWOOD—Citing the effects of shadows and lighting in various sporting venues over the years, campus officials announced today that UCLA’s school colors are in fact […]
Anti-Vaccination Epidemic Cured By Measles
ANAHEIM, CA – Officials from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced Saturday that the anti-vaccination epidemic that has afflicted the United States for […]
Suicide Hotline Worker Gears Up For Valentine’s Day
AUSTIN, TEXAS – Julius Camus, a veteran crisis counselor at the national suicide hotline’s call center in Austin, is getting ready for the busiest day […]
Classes Canceled Due To National Give-A-Fuck Shortage
LOS ANGELES — Despite the continuation of the scholastic quarter at UCLA and other moderately impressive learning institutions, the Federal Bureau of Education has announced […]