Student Discovers Parents Have Been Paying Friends to Attend Birthday Parties
BRENTWOOD—In a shocking turn of events, student Dominic Downer discovered that his parents really had been paying his friends to attend his birthday parties for […]
Campus
UCLA To Begin Accepting Students From Delaware
WESTWOOD—In a statement released by the Office of Admissions, UCLA has announced today that it will, for the first time in the school’s nearly century-long […]
Rain Inspires Record Number Of Amateur Poets
LOS ANGELES—Citing the “motion of palm trees, like lonely children that shiver in the night” as well as the “glimmering pools of heaven’s tears”, a […]
UCLA Students In Uproar Over Cookie Shortage
WESTWOOD – Police were called in today to break up a riot that started after an unnamed pre-med student purchased the last box of Thin […]
Clinton Supporters Climb Fence, Incite Riot
WESTWOOD—In a scene more suited for european soccer matches than politics, a horde of Clinton supporters climbed a fence near the Central Ticketing Office today, […]
Area Teenager Eats Pint Of Ice Cream Without Wearing Sweatpants
WESTWOOD, CA—Major concerns were raised in the Westwood community early Friday evening after local teenager Dorothy Springer finished off her pint of Cherry Garcia ice […]
UCLA Student Found Dead After Playing Too Much Flappy Bird
WESTWOOD–It’s the gaming sensation that’s sweeping the nation–and it’s deadly. Last Tuesday, a UCLA student was found dead in his dorm room after a three-day […]
“Yeah, Bro!” Confirms Frat Brother
WESTWOOD—An unidentified frat brother speaking on a phone just outside the IM field this morning confirmed that “Yeah, bro!” in direct response to the person […]
Underprepared English Professor To Increase Rate Of Dramatic Pauses In Next Lecture
WESTWOOD—Sources revealed this morning that English 142 Professor Michael Prinz intends to increase both the frequency and duration of his pauses during tomorrow’s lecture. According […]
New Study: You’re Probably Not Getting Laid Tonight
WESTWOOD – Leading researchers and also every one of your close friends confirmed yesterday that you’re probably not gonna get laid tonight. “That shirt makes […]