WESTWOOD, CA—Major concerns were raised in the Westwood community early Friday evening after local teenager Dorothy Springer finished off her pint of Cherry Garcia ice cream wearing a towel instead of her usual gray sweatpants.
The person responsible for bringing Springer’s odd behavior to light was neighbor Francine Dixon. “It’s not natural! God did not intend for ice cream to be consumed in this manner! Just as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, women eat ice cream with sweatpants on,” said Dixon, who spotted the sweatpants-less Springer eating ice cream through her kitchen window.
“There are a lot of young, impressionable girls in this neighborhood, including my daughter. I don’t want her exposed to this…this… heathenism. What’s next?! Taking family portraits without matching sweaters?”
Many in the neighborhood share the same concerns as Dixon and have started a petition to remove Dorothy Springer from the neighborhood.
A visibly teary-eyed Springer, who recently broke up with long-time boyfriends Max Greene, Carlos Mendoza, and Todd Decker responded, “Whenever I break up with a guy, which I’ll admit has become more frequent as of late, I pull out a fresh pint of Ben & Jerry’s, put on my gray sweatpants, pop The Notebook in the DVD player, and have myself a good cry.” When asked why she did not wear sweatpants during her most recent after-breakup sob session, Springer said she would have, but the elastic on her sweatpants snapped when she went to put them on. “With all the breakups and ice cream lately, I guess I’ve put on a few pounds. The towel was the only thing I could find that was comfortable and could fit around my waist. It also helps to soak up the tears,” admitted Springer, tearing open her third box of tissues. She said the distress from her breakup has been worsened by the resentment she feels from her neighbors.
However, not all in the community disapprove of Springer’s actions. Local feminist and president of the Womyn of Westwood organization, Jamie Cruse lauded Dorothy Springer for her non-sweatpants-wearing ways. “Men don’t have to wear sweatpants while eating ice cream. Why should women? I, for one, salute Ms. Springer for her courage in her opposition to entrenched gender norms. I also commend her for her dedication to ice cream, its consumption in vast amounts, and her extreme non-compliance with the media’s expectations.”
Cruse would be disappointed to find out, though, that Springer does not, in fact, embrace her lack of sweatpants while eating ice cream. Springer makes it clear, “I would never intentionally eat ice cream without wearing sweatpants. First thing tomorrow, I’m going to the mall to buy a new pair of sweatpants so I can resume my wallowing anguish appropriately. Not wearing sweatpants didn’t, in any way, hinder me from eating the entire pint of ice cream, but the whole time I did it, it felt wrong. Really wrong. It almost felt like I was cheating, which I guess I do a lot of anyway. But still.” ❖