New Study: You’re Probably Not Getting Laid Tonight

Experts agree that the liklihood of you getting laid tonight is incredibly slim.

WESTWOOD – Leading researchers and also every one of your close friends confirmed yesterday that you’re probably not gonna get laid tonight. “That shirt makes you come on too strong,” said your closest friend and drinking buddy, Kevin Curdy. “Maybe we should call it a night bro,” suggested your other stocky friend sipping a beer in the corner as you eyed that girl in the tight red dress stumbling in her heels. The likelihood of you getting laid tonight is in fact so low, according to the study and also your roommate, that you should probably get a vasectomy. Fourth year, Josh Calvin reportedly just high-fived his roommate while laughing at how badly you’re not getting laid tonight. The study, conducted over the course of two drunken hours utilized bystander surveys in addition to first impressions to compile a comprehensive factual account of why you just probably won’t get laid tonight. Data includes that time you hit on a waitress even though she was clearly pregnant and also that time where you passed out drunk at a Denny’s. You have a better chance of crying yourself to sleep than getting laid tonight.

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