WESTWOOD — During a press conference late Thursday evening, a team of scientists from Boelter Hall announced that they had created the slowest elevator possible. “After field testing the elevators for years in Boelter, Westwood Chateau, and the Tennis Courts, we’ve finally perfected our formula of weird pauses, jerky movements, and slow-ass doors,” said Scientist Edwin Jones, who personally programmed the doors to take just a second too long to open. “It’s important to make the riders feel uneasy and scared as soon as they step into the elevator, so the ride feels as long as possible. Using a perfect sonic mixture of bangs, thwanks, and thunks, we were able to put the fear of God in upwards of 90% of riders.” At press time, Jones was working on the mobile ordering app.
