Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]
International
Bowser Claims Fatherhood Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Files Paternity Suit
KOOPA KINGDOM — Following the Trump administration’s recent deregulations in inter-franchise family law, Bowser, King of the Koopas, is seeking custody of the Teenage […]
Study: The Average Person Has Eight Spiders Crawl Into Their Mouth During Sex Every Single Year
RICHMOND, VA — A recent study commissioned by the American Arachnological Society (AAS) confirmed that an average of eight spiders crawl into a person’s mouth […]
P: Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. CP: Do Yo Chain Hang Low And Wobble To Da Flow?
Point Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. By: Jean-Jacques Rousseau You may believe you are a free individual, but in reality, […]
Nigerian Princes Sue Yahoo! For Defamation
LAGOS — Former internet giant Yahoo! is facing a lawsuit from princes in Nigeria, who claim Yahoo!’s handling of the “Nigerian Prince” email scam has […]
Classics Department Discovers Name of Victory Goddess “Nike” Just Short For “Nichael”
WESTWOOD — Following the discovery of a hidden vault in Athens, scholars of the renowned UCLA Department of Classics made a breakthrough concerning the “Winged […]
Saint Valentine Still Not Sure How He Got Caught Up In This Whole Thing
HEAVEN — Although he was venerated by the Church for his contributions to chivalry and courtly love, Saint Valentine is not really sure what he […]
Birthright Trip Also Subsidizes Guilt
JERUSALEM—In a press release, Birthright Israel has stated they will now subsidize the guilt liberal American participants feel for being in a program sponsored by […]
BREAKING: We Have The Meats
FLAVORTOWN, USA—Sources, those sources being your mother #$&%@$@ tastebuds, man, report that fast food chain and purveyor of carnivorous atrocities Arby’s does, in fact, […]
Bruins For Israel Pretty Quiet This Week
WESTWOOD — UCLA students noted that the campus group Bruins For Israel has been pretty quiet this week following the killing of more than 60 […]