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International

Archaeologists Discover First Woman To Ever Put “Future Milf” In Her Tinder Bio

May 12, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA archaeologists announced Monday that, after years of digging, they have uncovered the first woman to ever write “future milf” […]

White Woman Wondering If It Too Soon To Remove Ukraine Link From Instagram Bio

May 7, 2022 Mehr Juneja 0

WESTWOOD — Local white woman Becky Garret has decided that it might be time to remove the Ukraine link from her Instagram bio. “I’ve had […]

BREAKING: There Are Bugs Under Your Skin

May 5, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — The voices were right, there are bugs under your skin. “The colony of ants under your epidermis has been ignored for far too […]

‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank

April 28, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]

Crisis? We Haven’t Bombed The Middle East In A While

March 15, 2022 American 0

PENTAGON — The United States has not conducted large-scale drone strikes in a Middle Eastern country since 2021, prompting concerns that the nation’s military leaders […]

Pope Francis Says Homosexuality OK, Lactaid Unnatural

March 11, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church has publicly amended its long held opposition to homosexuality in favor of condemning the most unnatural of abominations: lactaid. […]

Activist Alert! Poli Sci Major Refuses To Drink Moscow Mules

March 2, 2022 Kylie Yamada 0

WESTWOOD — Following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in February, UCLA’s students have found a method of protest which caters to the party scene. “Once I found […]

Toy Story 5 Trailer Depicts Andy’s Sex Toys Coming To Life

February 24, 2022 Billie Chang 0

HOLLYWOOD — In a surprise announcement made Tuesday morning, Pixar revealed its plans for the production of Toy Story 5. “The concept is basically the […]

Weapons Of Mass Destruction Mourn Passing Of Colin Powell: “He Always Believed In Us, Even When No One Else Did”

October 18, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

CLOUD CUCKOO LAND — In a statement released this morning out of the realm of imagination, Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction mourned the death […]

Donald Trump Permanently Banned From Pornhub Premium

January 29, 2021 Gillian Smith 0

MONTREAL – More than two weeks after the removal of former President Donald Trump’s accounts from several social media and streaming platforms, Pornhub has announced […]

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