CDC Warns Of Rapid Influx In New Podcasts Over Coming Weeks
ATLANTA — In light of increased isolation measures, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement warning Americans to expect a spike […]
International
Trump Administration Announces New Hammer-Based Healthcare Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
Coronavirus Bad Everybody Sick Oh No
LOCATION — Today at a time and place a person said words about coronavirus being bad oh no. “Coronavirus very bad! Sick! Get you sick, […]
MIT Researchers Develop Method For Teeth To Get Sunburnt
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a scientific breakthrough, researchers at MIT have developed a mixture which, upon consumption, allows teeth to develop severe sunburns. “Why? Because […]
The Sexiest, I Mean The Smartest Youth Climate Activists
The time for climate action is here. As our globe begins to perish, the push to adopt greener solutions has been led by sexy children […]
Facebook Post Of Crying Lady Liberty Prevents War With Iran
PORTLAND, OR — The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief on Tuesday when area mom Sharon Johnson posted a JPEG of the Statue of […]
Australian Fire Update
In lieu of impending ecological collapse, UCLA continues to closely monitor the New South Wales Bushfires in accordance with the Australian government. There are currently […]
Op-Ed: SexyBack By Justin Timberlake Just Metaphor For Cold War
Yo, the name’s Justin Timberlake and I’m the creative genius behind the 2006 hit “SexyBack.” I’ve been called “the most talented artist of our generation,” […]
Zuckerberg Under Fire Following Reports Of Dinner With Lex Luthor, Legion of Doom
HALL OF DOOM — Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is in hot water following reports of “off-the-record” dinners with Lex Luthor and assorted members of the […]
Study: Productivity Increases 360% When Chairs Can Swivel All The Way Around
WESTWOOD — Confidently swiveling in all directions to address her audience, project lead Angela Moriarty announced her team’s findings, which conclude that productivity increases 360% […]