
International


Opinion: Being Uncircumcised Is Bohemian
When I received my acceptance letter from UCLA, I was ecstatic to move to Los Angeles, the land of fruits and nuts. Unfortunately, I have […]

CAPS Experiencing Unprecedented Surge Amid Egg Shortage
WESTWOOD — The national egg shortage has left droves of Bruins without a key ingredient not only of their breakfast but of their self care. “We […]

“Say It Ain’t Saur:” Weezer Embarks On Australian Tour
SYDNEY — The American rock band Weezer has just announced their upcoming tour, titled “Say It Ain’t Saur: Australiaur 2023.” “We’ve translated all of our […]

Prince Harry Apologizes For Accidentally Publishing Dream Diary
SANTA BARBARA — Prince Harry held a press conference outside of his estate this morning to clarify his remarks in his new memoir, “Spare.” “I […]

Gene Block Drops Out Of Race For Prime Minister
10 GAYLEY ST — UCLA Chancellor Gene Block announced Tuesday that he will be withdrawing himself from consideration as leader of the Labour Party and […]

England Collapses, Becomes East Wales
EAST WALES, BRITAIN— Following the recent death, resignation, or otherwise incapacitation of several of England’s most influential old white conservatives, the former global power has […]

Opinion: If Ned Fulmer Can Do It, So Will Your Boyfriend
Did you just celebrate your two year anniversary with Sweetie Cakes? Everything’s going well, he bought you flowers and gifts, and promised to love you […]

REPORT: All The People Alive Are Out There Right Now
WASHINGTON, DC — According to a new report from the CIA, everyone currently alive has been confirmed to be out there right now, right this […]

Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside
WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]