Capitol Hill Intern Excited To Finally “Call The Shots”
WESTWOOD — In a frank conversation last Tuesday during his lower-division PS40 discussion section, second-year political science major Jake O’Brien admitted he was looking forward […]
Campus
Woman Comfortable With Stranger’s Genitals In Mouth Doesn’t Eat Gluten
WESTWOOD — In a Westwood Enabler exclusive interview, third-year Rebecca Wright announced that she will be starting a gluten-free diet, although she plans to continue […]
Default Browser Somehow Bing Again
WESTWOOD — After attempting to Google-search “Game of Thrones Season 8 Finale Free Streaming 1080p,” second-year biology major Serena Tambor discovered her default browser had […]
Gene Block Outbids Trump, Buys Greenland
NUUK, GREENLAND — In an unexpected turn of events, Chancellor Gene Block outbid President Trump in the competitive and closely-watched sale of Greenland. “In many […]
Recent Graduate Gets Dream Job At Firm
WESTWOOD — Recently graduated business-economics major Blake Gordon has accepted his “dream job” with The McGerald Corporation, a big firm that performs consulting and auditing […]
Report: Uber Drivers Sentient Beings, Can Hear Your Conversations
WESTWOOD — A new study by the Semel Institute of Neuroscience found that the flesh blobs in charge of navigating your Ubers can hear your […]
Freshman Admit Has Highest SAT Score In Orientation Group
WESTWOOD — Derek Bowman, an incoming UCLA first year, excitedly announced that after sneaking peeks at his fellow admits’ class planners, he discovered he had […]
Report: Facebook Event Invitations Don’t Mean Shit
WESTWOOD — Shocked to have seen literally everyone at Josh’s “exclusive” birthday party, second year biology major Sabrina Crocker has concluded that Facebook event invitations […]
UN Classifies One Floor Elevator Rides As War Crime
WESTWOOD — This afternoon, the UN passed a resolution to reclassify one-floor elevator trips from a low-level faux pas to a fully fledged war crime. […]
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