I Lived It: My Face Card Got Declined
WESTWOOD – It’s 3:30, and I just got out of class to go to Kerckhoff Coffeehouse. It’s been a long day and I need my […]
A&E
Charlie Brown Diagnosed With CTE
ANYTOWN, USA – After getting his 7th concussion from failing to kick the football, Charlie Brown has been diagnosed with chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). “Wah […]
Opinion: This “College” Shit Is Nothing Like Community
I arrived at UCLA like many first-years: bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and convinced that my four years at college would be just as magical as the six […]
History Department Announces New Concentration In “Future”
WESTWOOD – After running out of past to study, the history department has announced that students can now declare a concentration in “future.” “We are […]
School Spirit? Student Refuses To Wear Trojan Condoms
WESTWOOD – In a bold display of Bruin spirit, first-year Gender Studies major Chad Ryan announced on his Instagram yesterday his refusal to wear Trojan […]
League Of Legends Classified As Schedule I Drug
Washington D.C. – Earlier today, the Drug Enforcement Administration issued a statement regarding the League of Legends epidemic. “Countless studies have shown secondhand effects of […]
Early Hominids Clustered Around John Wooden Monolith Miraculously Discover Tool Usage, Basketball
DAWN OF MAN – Following reports that a mysterious large black monolith has encased the John Wooden statue on Bruinwalk, a local group of early […]
Idiot Slob Wears De Neve Outfit to BPlate
WESTWOOD — Giant, stupid, idiot slob and first-year European Studies major Bruce Gordito recently degraded himself and everyone around him by wearing an ugly, sloppy […]
Twelve Bike Cops Injured, Two Dead After Attempt To Arrest Ackerman Flood
WESTWOOD — After Ackerman and half of campus has been flooded, the leader of UCLA’s bicycle strike force is being blamed for its failure to […]