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Articles by Bella Dunham

Bruin Bear And Cocaine Bear Elope

March 16, 2023 Bella Dunham 0

BOGOTA, COLUMBIA — Cocaine Bear and Joe Bruin tied the knot this weekend in Columbia, according to sources close to the couple. The nuptials were […]

Chipotle To Require Credit Check Before Adding Guac

March 15, 2023 Bella Dunham 0

WESTWOOD — Chipotle announced Tuesday that they will be partnering with Credit Karma to run expedited credit checks on all customers attempting to add guac […]

Freshman Breaks Off Long Distance Relationship With Mom

November 7, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

WESTWOOD— Freshman Joe Maman made the tricky decision Monday morning to break things off with his long-distance mother. “She wants to call me every day […]

Gene Block Drops Out Of Race For Prime Minister

October 25, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

10 GAYLEY ST — UCLA Chancellor Gene Block announced Tuesday that he will be withdrawing himself from consideration as leader of the Labour Party and […]

Pinocchio Discovers Real World, No Longer Wants To Be Real Boy

June 18, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

TUSCANY — Pinocchio, despite his lifelong wish to become a real boy, has announced he rescinds his statement and would like to become a wooden […]

Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done

May 26, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]

Lewis And Clark Vibes? Your Comedy Club Completed A Half-Mile Hike

May 2, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

FRAZIER PARK, CA — Despite the rough terrain and inappropriate footwear, your comedy club completed a half-mile hike Saturday afternoon. “Like Lewis and Clark, we […]

Gender Studies Professor Reports Attendance Optional, Jade Eggs Mandatory

April 20, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

WESTWOOD — Gender Studies 10 Professor John Camp announced that while attendance is optional for his course, jade eggs will be firmly mandatory. “Given the […]

Student-Athletes Spotted Sleeping, Showering In UCLA-Branded Backpacks

November 18, 2021 Bella Dunham 0

WESTWOOD — Reports of student-athletes never taking off their black UCLA backpacks have been on the rise as campus has returned to in-person instruction. “No […]

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