UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done by white people. “Over the course of my research, I narrowed down the monument’s creators to a wizard of Arthurian legend, ancient aliens, or… regular shmegular white people,” said Professor Marcus White, whose expertise lies in Epicology with a concentration in Cracker Studies. “We all know that wizards and giants are fake, so it had to be the white people. Yeah! That’s right! We did something cool once 5,000 years ago!” At press time, a colleague argued that the area might have actually been inhabited by those native to the eastern Mediterranean region, meaning that white people have actually never done anything epic. Ever.