Newsom Adds Tinder Hookups to Phase Two of Reopening
SACRAMENTO, CA — In today’s daily coronavirus briefing about reopening California, Governor Gavin Newsom announced that Phase Two, which involves the reopening of businesses such […]
Politics
Trump Administration Announces New Hammer-Based Healthcare Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
Op-Ed: I Will Only Vote For Bernie Sanders If He Yells Louder
I grew up in a lighthouse on the coast, my father a foghorn and my mother a seagull. I was nineteen by the time I […]
Students Start To Pack, Professor Filibusters
WESTWOOD — As Math 33A neared 3:50 p.m. last Friday, students began to pack in eager anticipation of no longer learning things. “Class isn’t over,” […]
Buttigieg Worried He Won’t Win Enough States To Become Real Boy
SOUTH BEND, IN — Despite recent success in Iowa and New Hampshire, sources close to Pete Buttigieg claim that the Democratic hopeful is worried he […]
Gene Block Declares Victory In Iowa
DES MOINES — In the midst of the confusion surrounding the Iowa Democratic presidential caucus’ final results, UCLA chancellor and full-time heartthrob Gene Block has […]
Iowa To Adopt “Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe” Voting System
DES MOINES — In response to widespread criticism of its recent caucus, the Iowa Democratic Party has announced that they will be transitioning to an […]
Teacher’s Pet Mitt Romney Asks For More Homework
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Buzzkill Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) has expressed interest in voting for the testimony of John Bolton and other key witnesses in the […]
The Sexiest, I Mean The Smartest Youth Climate Activists
The time for climate action is here. As our globe begins to perish, the push to adopt greener solutions has been led by sexy children […]
New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President
NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]