UN Classifies One Floor Elevator Rides As War Crime
WESTWOOD — This afternoon, the UN passed a resolution to reclassify one-floor elevator trips from a low-level faux pas to a fully fledged war crime. […]
Politics
New Presidential Candidate Suspiciously Reasonable
TUCSON — This Wednesday, a suspiciously reasonable politician declared their official candidacy in the race for the Democratic nomination in the presidential election of 2020. […]
Macron Calls To Congratulate USAC President-Elect
PARIS — When news of Friday’s undergraduate student council election results reached across the Atlantic, French President Emmanuel Macron rushed to be the first to […]
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Body Pillow Found In Basement Of Shapiro Residence
LOS ANGELES — Earlier this week a body pillow, otherwise known as a “dakimakura,” depicting U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was found in the basement of the […]
Sepi’s Files Counterproposal To Evict Steve Sann
WESTWOOD — Following efforts by the Westwood Community Council to pressure Sepi’s into leaving Westwood, the local bar and restaurant filed a counterproposal to evict […]
Gene Block Mentioned 26 Times In Mueller Report For Some Reason
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s final report on his team’s investigation into potential links between the Trump campaign and Moscow was made public […]
Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]
Bill Clinton to Star in His Own Celebrity Porn Parody
NEW YORK — Former President Bill Clinton’s public relations representative announced this morning that he will be playing the star role in his own […]
Report: Dianne Feinstein Bullied By Senator As Child
WASHINGTON — Following a viral video last week that showed her bullying young children, a report has surfaced that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – CA) […]
Ted Lieu Voted Sexiest Man Alive By Bruin Democrats
WESTWOOD — At the club’s most recent policy meeting, members of Bruin Democrats unanimously voted California Representative Ted Lieu the “sexiest man alive,” the group’s […]